Monday, May 14, 2012

Feeling bummed....

So often blog posts are upbeat and positive...who really wants to read a negative, depressing blog, right?

But sometimes that upbeat positive vibe gives the illusion that our lives are all perfect all the time.  That's not true, at least not for me.  Sometimes it makes me feel worse to read how awesome and wonderful and fantastic everyone on facebook or in the blog world is, when I feel like my life is overwhelming...sometimes, I will admit, it does make me remember not to sweat the small stuff, it does help to put me in a positive frame of mind to read upbeat stuff.

But right now, I am bummed and I am going to write a post about when life is overwhelming.

1.  I am feeling selfish.  My grandmother is 93 years old, she lives a half hour from me.  Her brother-in-law is in the hospital, in and out of ICU and CCU for weeks now.  My parents are at their lakehouse 4 hours away, so...some things fall to me.  I offered to bring her to the hospital to see him a few weeks ago, when things were not hectic in my life and she had said she didn't want to go.  NOW when my life feels overwhelming, we have events and functions every single day this week and my aunt's birthday party next my grandma wants to go and I feel more overwhelmed and a little irritable...why couldn't she have gone a few weeks ago when it fit into my schedule?  Why can't her sister or her niece or nephew, who all live a few blocks from her and are going to the hospital every single day to visit their husband/father bring my grandmother with them?  Why does it fall on me?  I work part-time, I homeschool my kids, I am hosting a party this weekend for my aunt...I have too much on my plate as it is right now...

2.  I am feeling sorry for myself.  I am burned out on library programs right now.  In addition to homeschooling, running a home and working at the reference desk of the library, I run two Story & Craft programs at the library.  The project I had planned for this week just didn't work out and I decided to let the kids use paint and these sponge brushes that are shaped like this:
The kids got crazy, it got messy.  One of the kids told me that their mom liked the crafts that I did with them, but thought they should be more detailed.  That hurt my feelings.  The moms were NOT HAPPY that their children had painted and some of the kids had gotten a little paint on their clothes.  Our children's librarian, who runs the other programs at the library, does beautiful, elaborate crafts each week...but this is her full-time job, her main priority; this is my priority when I am there, but I am honestly not thinking about it on Thursday when I am teaching my girls the chambers of the heart.  Our children's librarian goes to craft stores and buys nifty supplies on her lunch hour; I don't get a lunch hour, if I buy craft supplies it's on my own time and quite frankly, as I said, i am not that focused on my programs on the 5 days a week when i don't work.  Our children's librarian has one or two assistants for each of her programs.  I run my programs by myself.  We have been doing this every single week since the beginning of January, along with our other responsibilities, our children's librarian is getting burned out and ready for the Spring session of storytime to be over, as am I.

3.  Oh yes, there is more... Jason's stepdad has cancer and I just don't understand Jason's family and his relationship with his family.  Jason moved out at 17 because he was abused physically and emotionally.  I met Jason when he was 21.  He saw his family for holidays IF  none of his friends invited him over, but often he spent Thanksgiving and Easter with friends, sometimes even Christmas with friends, instead of his family.  There were a lot of wounds there.  I thought I could save the day and help them all to heal and make nice and be friends...I tried for fifteen years and time and time again I was accused of not accepting them for who they were when I didn't understand why they couldn't commit to coming to my children's birthday parties or I was judgmental if I said that I didn't want their dog that I was allergic to in my house.  There was always something I did wrong.  There were nasty, berating phone calls from Jason's stepdad about everything from tying shoes to building our shed.  I saw all of this as coming from people who were hurting, who were hurt by the world and I kept choosing to "turn the other cheek".  But I kept getting slapped across the face.  Eventually, I left it all up to Jason.  He calls a few times a year.  He has not felt the need to call lately.  I will say that his stepdad has mellowed considerably since Jason's mom died six years ago.  I have been calling to see how he is doing.  His stepdad adores Jason and our girls.  The whole thing just breaks my heart and I pray for Jason's whole family every single day.