Friday, May 28, 2010

Conflict can not survive without our participation...

I have been looking for a quote or a wall decal for over our bed.  I want something that really reflects who we are and what we believe, something that will satisfy my soul and put me at peace when I lay beneath it. (I know, it sounds like a tall order for a wall quote!)

I have been perusing various quote sites and I decided to check out quotes by Dr. Wayne Dyer.  Jason & I have both read most of his books, or listened to them on audio.  I guess he is on the New Age-y side, but I like his message.  One of his basic ideas is to think positively and create positive energy and then you will receive more positive energy back into your life.  Likewise, if you think negatively and mope around, you get negative energy back into your life.  Who hasn't been there?  Sitting around thinking the world is against you and obstacles seem to stack up.  And then when good things start happening to you, well, it just seems like it's one after another there too.  The trick is to always try to stay positive!  Jason & I got that message at a time when we really needed to hear it and I think it kept us sane.

Another one of Dr. Dyer's philosophies is that a mustard seed grows into mustard plant, not a tomato plant or a rose bush or an oak tree, but a mustard seed, and so we too will grow exactly the way that we should.  Things may not always make sense to us, but they happen for a reason and we can learn from them.  Dr. Dyer asserts that if we put ourselves on the right path, we will find that we meet the people we need to meet, read the books and get the information that we need to continue on our journey and be the person that we were meant to be.

All of that is an aside to this wonderful quote I found.  It is not appropriate for above our bed, but I love it nonetheless:

"Conflict cannot survive without our participation." 
~ Dr. Wayne Dyer

I have always been sort of a people pleaser.  I have always worried about what other people thought of me.  I have always worried about hurting someone's feelings, many times at the expense of my own feelings or my own health.  Jason and my mother and my grandmother and some of my other friends were always telling me that I should stand up for myself.  But I felt that these people needed my acceptance and understanding and so I continued to put up with it and get hurt myself over and over and over again.  I didn't want to say anything, because I didn't want to cause conflict and it really wasn't until recently, that I decided that I wanted my girls to learn by example and not to let people treat them poorly, so I got up the nerve to set boundaries.  Within a very short period of time, both of those relationships dissolved.  Which was almost a relief, except that I had grown to care about those people.  I wish that things could be different, but I need to accept that I can't change who they are and having a relationship with them is not healthy for me.  Emails and messages were exchanged and I refused to engage, knowing that it would just foster conflict.  There was nothing that I could say or do to change the way things were, anything I said would lead to more arguing, more upset that I was not going to allow myself, my family, my friends to be talked about or treated a certain way in my presence.

Finding this quote, "Conflict cannot survive without our participation" is so uplifting and empowering to me.  If I don't engage in it, I don't perpetuate it and I don't have it in my life.

I don't like drama.  I like stability.  I need stability.  I respect people who don't.  I respect people who can live on the edge and take chances and go out on a whim and be spontaneous, but I can't live like that.  Everyone has the right to live their life the way that they choose, but if the way that they choose to live is unhealthy for you to be around, then you have every right to step out of the situation, to not participate.