Sunday, December 9, 2012


I have issues with anxiety.  I think some anxiety is normal, but I tend to fixate on things that make me anxious.  My mother, my uncle, my husband always tell me it's a choice.  I CHOOSE to fixate.  But it doesn't feel that way.  I become obsessed and I can't help it.

But I am getting to a place now where I feel the choices.  I appreciate all of you who have been praying for my family, all of the emails and tweets and comments...maybe your prayers are the reason that I am not fixated, but I can choose...

Right now I can choose to sit and cry that my uncle is not here with us, that he won't be here for Christmas or I can think about him in heaven, reunited with family members, happy, having fun, no pain or diabetes.  Like my mom said, the food in heaven doesn't make you gain weight and you can eat as much as you want!  The other night, I was crying and I felt my uncle, I heard him say that he could be happy where he was if I would just stop crying, he was worried about me and sad to leave me and wanted to know that I would be okay, but I had to stop crying.

I am trying.

Right now I can choose to stress over the fact that my husband is out of work for 6 weeks after his surgery.  Money will be tight.  We have insurance, but we have deductibles and I am concerned about how much the hospital bills will eat of our savings.  I can sit and fixate on all of that, or I can be thankful that we have savings, that Jason has vacation time that he can take, that we qualify for temporary disability through our state and Aflac.  I can focus on enjoying having my husband home with us for six weeks, helping with school and chores, going on field trips, hanging out, cooking, having fun, bonding, being together.

I can choose to be upset that my uncle won't be here with us for Christmas or I can choose to focus on him celebrating Christmas in heaven, hearing the angels sing and celebrating with family members who have gone before.  I can focus on making this Christmas special, with Jason home, with the girls.

We have a lot of choices in this life.

"It is not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters." ~ Epictetus
We can choose to forgive people.  We can choose to reach out to people.  We can choose to let people know we care about them, even if we haven't spoken in a while.  We can choose to help a stranger.  We can choose to call someone we have not spoken with in a long time.  We can tell someone we want to see them, be part of their life.  We can tell someone we miss them.  We can spend time with the people who matter to us.  We can choose to focus on the positive and not the negative. We can choose to hurt people because we have been hurt, or we can forgive.  We can choose to leave a comment on a blog for encouragement, prayer, love, just to make someone happy and let them know you care.  We can choose to share a smile with a stranger.  We can choose to be thankful for what we have.

I know it is not always easy, especially when we have gotten used to our anger or our anxiety, but we can make a choice to let it go...the anger, the anxiety and do and say the things we really mean so that we can live the life we really want to live.

I am not by any means saying that I am cured from anxiety and I have found the magic secret, but I am saying that for TODAY I can choose to try to be happy, to focus on the good things I have and not the bad or difficult things that have happened.