Parents Should Look at Social Media as a BIG, HUGE CITY

You wouldn't send your kids into an unknown, foreign city without a street map, would you?  More than likely, you would want to go WITH them to the city the first few times to show them how to get around, how to navigate themselves and avoid dangerous situations.

I know we don't want to think of the world as a dangerous place and if we are careful, it doesn't have to be.  But we also need to be realistic, when your social media account is public...ANYONE can see it.

Social media and the internet are like a city with trendy, fun neighborhoods filled with inspiration and cute photos and then wander off that track and you will find dark, seedy neighborhoods that you only happen upon by mistake when a search goes wrong.  Maybe right up front where you are standing is nice and bright and you can see your way around...maybe all your friends are there commenting on your stuff and being nice...but back there in the distance it's dark and we don't know what lurks there...so we need to teach our kids to be cautious.  We need to help our kids understand proper internet and social media navigation technique and etiquette and how to present themselves and who to talk to and who to avoid and why.  Actually, there is A LOT we need to teach them and since a lot of this is unchartered territory, it changes often and we, the parents, need to be prepared to roll with it and improvise and make things up on the spur of the moment because it's all so new hardly anyone knows what can happen.

Many, many years ago, when my girls were really little, my sister-in-law in California, who had teenagers, gave me great advice: If your kids are on social media, you should be, too!  Back then it was MySpace and my sister-in-law had her own account and her kids' passwords and she monitored what people said to them and her kids' didn't DARE post anything inappropriate because they knew their mother would see.

Social media is not a playground for kids. 

 If your kids don't understand social media they shouldn't be on it.  Likewise, if YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND social media, YOUR KIDS should not be on it.  If you don't like social media and you don't want to be on it, that's fine...but don't let your kids have complete freedom with it...it's a recipe for disaster!   You don't know who is following your kids, you don't know how their feelings can get hurt, you don't know what they are posting.  Social media is not a place for kids to play around at being older or play around. period.  Social media is no joke.  If your account is public there are people all over the world that can see your photos and some of those people may not have good intentions or some of those people may say hurtful things to your kids or some of those people may use your kids pictures in inappropriate ways.  Not to mention all of the stuff posted on social media may one day come back to haunt you...when you try to get a job or run for office or who knows what.

WE WANT OUR GIRLS TO USE SOCIAL MEDIA.  

Jason and I have made conscious, intentional decisions with regards to technology: we want our girls exposed to it and to understand it and how it works and how to use it and how to behave on it.  It's constantly evolving and we don't want our kids left in the dust.  Many of the jobs our kids will hold are not even created yet, and while social media as we know it may not exist in ten years, something else will take its place and we want our kids to be part of every nuance and to understand it all because that is how innovation works.  You need to be part of the world and what is going on to understand the needs and how it works and to create new and better things and be part of it.  Like Ashton Kutcher said in his awesome Kids Choice Awards speech, "everything around you was created by someone else...and you can create things too."

Since we rarely use Facebook anymore (it's all just political extremism re-posts these days) our girls are not on Facebook and since I barely understand Twitter after using it for 3 years, they are not on Twitter.  But Jason and I made a conscious, intentional decision to allow our girls to use Instagram and that both Jason and I will have accounts and monitor our girls' interactions on Instagram.  Our girls accounts are private.  But for now, Jason and my accounts are public so we can learn to navigate that and see what comes of it and make sense of it.

If you want to let your kids use social media, I BEG YOU, PLEASE invest some time in using social media yourself...it's an investment in your child's safety and future!

Day in the Life 2013 ~2014

I think this may very well be my favorite post of this linkup.  I am always trying to do better with time and reading everyone's posts always inspires me to be better with my time.

6:30am - I have never in my entire life been an early bird, but last November my husband had emergency surgery and he is an early bird.  We got in a routine of having coffee together early in the morning and talking about our day and that has held ever since.  Jason is up at 4am, does yoga and plays guitar and gets all ready for work, then he wakes me up and we sit and have a cup together and talk about our plans for the day before he leaves for work.  In so many ways this just starts my day off right and now I wouldn't dream of missing it.

7am - I would love to say I always go for a run or do yoga and many days I do, but sometimes I get sucked into reading emails or blogs or pinterest and then my kids get up and I am trying to find time for yoga or a run all day.

8am-8:30am shower, get dressed, tidy up.
My girls are getting up around now, eating their breakfast and making their beds, too.

8:30am - 9am - we watch CNN Student News together while I have my second cup of coffee and the girls eat their breakfast.  We usually end up discussing some things and/or looking up things online to get more information.

9:00am - we review our Latin roots, maybe learn a new root; we may play a game like Division War or Geography Bee

9:15am - we go over our plans for the day.  I'll talk to the girls about what they are working on, what they think they should do next, where we can get more information, what materials they need, etc.  The two constants that I "assign" are math and Spanish, both of which we are using software for this year, the girls know that they have to get these done at some point during the day.  On days I work, I might assign a couple of pages in a Critical Thinking workbook; my girls LOVE Mind Benders and Mind Twisters and those kinds of things and usually do more pages then I ask them to do.

9:15am - noon - The girls are working on their own things, I might be helping one of them with something or doing a project around the house.  If my dinner plans allow, I might be getting the part of our meal I can prep ahead done or running errands (my girls are 11 & 13).  If I didn't run or practice yoga, I might try to get that in now.

noon - we eat lunch together and talk about our morning, what the girls accomplished, if they have anything left to do and how they will spend the afternoon.

Monday - I go to work at 1pm and the girls will go to my mom's to learn to cook family recipes (they are also going to be taking photos and typing up recipes for a family cookbook project on Shutterfly)!  Or sew.  Or learning to build and solder and things like that with my dad.

Allie sewed this wallet on her own two years ago.

Tuesday - I run two programs at the library and the girls have volunteered to assist me with those programs.  After that, I will work at the reference desk and they will work on some Critical Thinking workbooks.

Wednesday - we are free until 4:30, we plan to use that time to work on more of the projects the girls want to work on.  Allie is volunteering at a local no-kill animal shelter and Piper goes to choir at 4:30 and I have 2.5 hours with one of my best friends!!

Thursday - our one completely free day!!  Our homeschool group tends to do a lot of meetups and field trips on Thursdays and we plan to be part of the ones that interest us.  We also have a pass for a pottery studio that we may use on Thursdays.

Friday - we have co-op from 10-2pm and then usually an orthodontist appointment or we end up hanging out with friends.

Saturday - I work two Saturdays a month.  Both girls will be attending art classes on Saturday mornings.  We may also use the pottery passes on Saturday afternoons.

Piper drew this when she was 9.

Sunday - we guard this day for family and rest.


5pm - I get home from work at 5pm on Monday and Tuesday, we are normally home from field trips or hanging out with friends by 5pm on Thursday and Friday.  I will start dinner, the girls will tidy up and usually end up in the art studio.

5:45 - Jason is home from work, we have a beer.  The girls come in and show Jason whatever they worked on that day or what they are doing in the art studio.

6pm - we eat dinner together.

6:30pm - we sit around after dinner talking.

7:30pm - one of the girls does the dishes.  I often go for a walk or bike ride with Jason and/or one of the girls.

8pm - I start getting ready for bed.  We allow the girls an hour of television if they want.  Jason will sometimes play guitar.

8:30pm - I am in bed with a book, inevitably one or both girls comes in to talk to me about something on their mind and we may end up talking until 11pm!

9pm - Jason is in bed, the girls and I are either talking or reading.

10-10:30pm - lights out!

Our 2012 ~ 2013 Schedule

A Day in Our Life 2011

Family Reading Initiative, Children's Gardens, Art and Science

 I had heard really good things about Ithaca, NY.

My parents said there were lots of hippies so I would like it.

My friends spoke of intentional communities and eco-villages and that sounded cool.

I had wanted to visit this small city in upstate NY for a while, so when Jason found a yoga festival there and it happened to be on the weekend of our anniversary, we decided it was the perfect time!

Family Reading Initiative

The first thing I noticed when we pulled into town were these signs on many, many buildings...like the natural foods store, the supermarket, an office building, a restaurant, the post office...and of course, the public library.  Read to Me!  Any Time!  Any Place!  A family reading initiative.  Instantly I felt transported back in time to college, when I believed these kinds of programs were possible...over the years, I have become so jaded...but here it was...the kind of program I had learned about and hung my hopes on!

Ithaca, NY Family Reading Initiative

Children's Garden

As we headed toward the yoga festival, held in a farm field a couple of miles outside of town, we found this...

Ithaca Children's Garden

A Children's Garden!

With free programs every day during the summer!

Children pushing wheelbarrows and working throughout the garden with master gardeners while their parents sat in drum circle or reading or nursing infants.

I felt like I had died and gone to heaven.

I wished fervently that I had known of this place when my girls where small and we had lived here where such amazing programs were offered.

Entrance to Ithaca Children's Garden

The vegetable garden invited guests to come in and nibble and explore!

Jason spoke to a woman about funding, they did get some money from the town and from grants, but also donations.  We happily made a donation.

I love these little houses.  Children were inside playing together.

I grew up during the seventies.

My college professors were probably right around the age to have been hippies and to believe that family reading initiatives and children's gardens were worthy endeavors for towns.  I am convinced of the same.  But we live such busy lives these days and so often people don't make the time for community programs, our budgets are tight and these are the first programs to go.  It was so nice to see them thriving.

I just love this.  It brought back memories of days spent in child development classes learning the importance of places like this.

There were several trees with children reading books.  It was magical.

Art & Science EVERYWHERE!

Let the wild rumpus start!  One of my favorite things in Ithaca was this huge "Where the Wild Things Are" mural on the side of a building

Everywhere we looked there was art.  On the street corners, in the parking lots, in front of homes.  It was awesome and spectacular.  Jason and I just walked around snapping photos and exclaiming to each other.

 So many children in Ithaca looked like they would fit in perfectly with our homeschool group.  I started to wonder if they were all homeschooled.  Ithaca would be such a perfect place to homeschool...if it were not for all of the regulations in NY State.  But...in a town with two colleges, a family reading initiative, science and art on the streets and a children's garden...the public school system is probably pretty amazing.

Opportunity, Being Sexy & Living Life

I love this and I had to share it.

Ashton Kutcher tells teens about opportunity, being sexy and building a life.  Awesome advice.

FREE ebook: Growing Up Online

A while ago, I was contacted to review a book entitled Growing Up Online, which is part of the ebook series from The More You Know, a series of books published by NBCUniversal in conjunction with several big name celebrities.

It is estimated that 52% of children have access to a mobile device, with that access comes a level of responsibility.  This book and this series seeks to provide parents with the information necessary to help their kids navigate the world of technology and social media.  We hear all the time how many of the jobs our children will hold have not been invented yet and how it is important for our kids to be technology and social media-savvy.  Our children are the first generation of kids who literally have the world at their fingertips and it can be scary, it can be daunting.  But NBC has teamed up with CommonSense Media (I consult this website when my girls want to read YA books that I know little about to decide if the book is appropriate for them or not) and NetSmartz Workshop.

This book is designed in a way to encourage parents to talk with their kids about issues such as smart posting, cyber bullying and how much information to give.  This book had information on tracking your children's internet activity and parental controls, as well as digital citizenship. I found this book to be informative and to bring up topics that I had not even thought of before.

This ebook is completely free in an effort to make sure as many families as possible can benefit from the information.  The format is so easy to navigate--you can select a topic that interests you on the left and read about that topic.  There are discussion points to address with your kids.  Every parent should read this book!  We have a responsibility to our kids to make sure they understand the vast world of the internet and how it can bring out the best and the worst in humanity!

The last few weeks...

 Summer is in full swing here.  Lots and lots and lots of pool days, beach days and days spent with friends are what our summer has been all about!

Summer=Pool time :)

Jason and I knocked something off our Bucket List.  We FINALLY watched Gandhi.  This is something we have wanted to do and talked about doing since college...but we never did it...until now. The girls and I are reading Story of the World Volume 4: Modern Times and we learned about Gandhi and decided to watch the movie.  It was as amazing and awesome and inspiring as I thought it would be!

We FINALLY watched Gandhi

Allie is such a good gerbil mama!  She is all about those little critters!  Seriously, the girl does so much research on Gerbil Life.  She is always making them treats and toys.  She came across this idea for a cage and knew we had some old storage shelves and asked Jason to help her build this new cage!  She is hoping to rescue two more gerbils when we get back from vacation and will be home for a while to care for them.

Jason and Allie built a gerbil cage out of closet organizers and IKEA toy bins

My aunt and uncle are up from Florida.  We figured out that they moved away 36 years ago!  They come up a couple of times a year now that my uncle is retired.  My aunt and I have always gotten along so well, we have so much in common and can spend hours and hours talking.  My girls are getting older and they are at the point where they want to be part of the adult conversation.  I was so proud of them and felt so blessed that my girls get to KNOW their family.  It's so important to me that my girls appreciate family and spend time with family and really get to KNOW their family.

While my aunt was here, my grandma dug out old photos....the guy in b&w is my dad at about Allie's age and that's my First Holy Communion photo

We made a day trip to Ringing Rocks.  It's a beautiful hike through the woods to this clearing where there are several ACRES of rocks.  I had the girls research it before we went.  All of the rocks were there naturally, they are glacial deposits.  They contain iron and when they are all together like that, if you tap on them with a hammer they ring.  It's very cool.  They have to be together to ring, if you took a few home, they wouldn't ring.

Ringing Rocks was super cool!

Travel Tips and Tricks for Healthy Families

by: Kendra Thornton

Travel Tips and Tricks for Healthy Families

I love spending time with my family and the family vacation is my favorite trip of the year.  It is important for my family to enjoy the vacation and maintain the same healthy eating and living habits that we have at home.  Over the years, I’ve developed some great trips to traveling healthy.

1. Breakfast IS the Most Important Meal of the Day: We always eat breakfast at the hotel before heading out for a day at a theme park.  This way I can make sure my family gets a healthy meal instead of a bag of cotton candy or hotdog on a stick.  Since many hotels provide an included breakfast, it saves me money, because I don’t need to waste money on expensive park food. I used Gogobot to sift through a great list of Orlando hotels to find family-friendly continental breakfasts that were offered for free!

2. Great Reminders: Children love to draw, so combine that with the new places, people, and food they encounter on the trip.  I have found by having them draw or list new foods they’ve tried and enjoyed, it is easier to encourage them to try new healthy foods at home.  I also by postcards from the cities we visit and get them to write something about their trip.  I’m sure, when they become adults they will have a great collection of postcard memories.  

3. Pack a Snack: With a little preplanning, the kids and I pack a variety of healthy dry snacks for a long car ride or flight.  We pack string cheese, pretzels, cut up fruit, a little trail mix, and some M&Ms.  This allows me to make sure we all get a healthy snack and save money that I would have spent at airport stores or rest stop vending machines.  

4. Plenty of Stops: Children can be little balls of excess energy.  A great way I keep my children from getting too restless in the car is to make frequent stops.  Stopping at a rest stop or park allows the entire family to get some fresh air, stretch our legs, and burn off some of that energy.  It is a great way to make a long car ride more bearable for everyone.  

5. Timing is Everything: I have found it is easier to travel with my children when they are wide-awake.  I plan car travel and airline flights to coincide with periods in their schedule when they are awake and active.  It is much easier to travel with an alert child than one who is overtired and cranky, because they are missing their normal naptime or bedtime.  

With a few simple tricks and some great pre planning, I have found that it is easy to have a healthy family trip that everyone enjoys.

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Kendra Thornton is a mother of 3. Before being promoted to the full time position of mommy, Kendra was the former Orbitz director of communications and was able to travel all around the world.

She's personally been to 28 countries on 6 continents and has been quoted in the news about seasonal travel trends and destinations all over the United States. 

Giving Criticism is Tough

The most difficult thing for me as a parent is giving criticism to my children.  This is my biggest challenge as a homeschool mom ( I completely understand why homeschooling is not for everyone for a variety of reasons).  It is really difficult to give your child corrective or constructive criticism.  It is so much easier to leave it to a teacher and quite frankly, kids will probably take a teacher's critique a lot better and her authority on a subject more seriously.  But, as a mom and a homeschool parent, I need to dish out criticism once in a while.

The last thing I want to do is thwart their little spirits or stomp on their self-esteem.  I try to be tactful.  I always, always make it a priority to have a private meeting with them when I need to give criticism.  I always start by praising them for things they do well.  I always try to be gentle about the criticism and offer several suggestions for improvement and even my help over the long haul.

When I read Delight Directed Learning by Lee Binz, the thing that really stuck with me was that if we say everything is good then nothing has meaning.  The really good stuff doesn't mean anything and no one learns from the not-so-good stuff.  I have become more courageous about mentioning when I don't think something is up to par or up to the best of their ability.  If my private conference on a topic doesn't work, then Jason and I talk to the girls together.  Jason is much tougher than I am and he takes away media, because often times when their work is not up to par it's because they were in a rush to go do something else.

I don't want to take the joy out of learning or things my girls love by being critical, but I want them to do their best work.  Sometimes those two things war it out in my mind.  Jason and I have discussed this MANY, MANY times and he is a firm believer in offering criticism and having the girls straighten up or be punished and he is much better at finding punishments that fit the crime and sticking to the punishments than I am!  So, if several "meetings" with me don't work, Jason and I approach the child together--he is a lot less gentle and he doles out punishments.

It sucks.  Maybe we are strict.  I am sure some parents will disagree with how we handle things, but I want to know my girls have a strong work ethic and do their best work.  As my Grandpa always said, "Anything worth doing is worth doing well."

Some Updates

1.  A while ago, I mentioned our concern with Allie's teeth.  After being told by one orthodontic practice that we needed to wait two years for some molars to be "mature" and erupt, we went back and were told that Allie needed surgery to remove a section of her jaw.  She could not have the surgery until she was 18 and done growing.  These molars we had waited two years for were now erupting in her palette.  We decided to get a second opinion and a third opinion.  I come from a medical family and I have always been told that there are so many risks with surgery, that surgery should be avoided unless MEDICALLY necessary.  The surgery is definitely NOT medically necessary in Allie's case (no pain, no issues speaking, eating or breathing--Thank God!).  I have been praying, fretting and researching and decided to respect Allie's privacy with regard to discussing this.  We found an orthodontist that made us feel comfortable (not like a number), who understood our concerns and respected Allie's feelings on this and felt he could do something since she was not done growing, so we began treatment with no real promises, just lots of hope and faith.  After 6 months of treatment, he told me on Friday that he thinks we are going to be okay and the problem will be corrected WITHOUT SURGERY!

2.  I wrote about Teaching Kids to Create Healthy Boundaries.  The girls took a break from these friends for several weeks.  Then, the friends called and the girls asked them to come over.  There were no issues that first time.  A few days later, there was an issue and the girls handled it themselves.  Another time, a question arose as to why they have to play here all the time and Piper was honest, which prompted a conversation with the father of these kids.  We all came to an understanding, kids included and things are back to normal: the girls are basically inseparable.  So far, so good :-)

Canceling Cable - 1 Year In

I have never been a TV person.  I was raised in a home where we were not allowed to just watch TV, we had to be doing something at the same time--like folding laundry, sewing, knitting, etc.  I usually got so engrossed in what I was doing that I didn't pay attention to the television.  As an adult, I spend my spare time reading, blogging, surfing the web, etc.

My husband, on the other hand, is drawn to the television as though it were a magnet.  He was raised in a home where the TV was always on.  I have seen my husband walk in a room, intent on telling someone something, see the television and become entranced and not even remember what he had come to say.  It's both scary and funny.

Jason and I have both felt strongly about the girls having limited access to television and at times, felt we were in a bitter war with the television.  Cranky children who wanted to stay up late and watch "one more show".  Children who became insolent and disobedient when told to turn the television off.

A year ago, the cable television portion of our bill went up to $72.99 a month and the new digital signal would require a box and remote for each television in our home (in order to get cable on that television), an additional $9 per month for each television.  Jason and I sat down and discussed it and decided there were a lot of other things we could do with that money every month and we would cancel cable for the summer.

But as soon as football season started...we would look into a BIG FAT football package...we would spend the money we saved on not having cable for the summer on upgrading to a great football package.  It was a deal.

We subscribed to Netflix for documentaries and movies and it filled the void of TV for Jason and the girls when they were sick or it was rainy or some other time when watching TV didn't seem like a total waste of time.

We soon discovered that we preferred Netflix over cable.  We love being able to watch whole seasons of shows like Downton Abbey and Mad Men and Weeds.  There were a lot of good documentaries and the girls were pleased with the television shows.

The fighting over TV time went away.  The girls stopped asking and just found other things to do. 

Jason started playing guitar and reading more.  He got more into yoga.  He started running.  He got projects done around the house that had been on his list for years.

We had friends over more and just sat around chatting.

We went for walks at night after dinner or bike rides.  We sat around as a family and just talked, no TV, no distraction.

When fall rolled around and I started looking into football packages and inquiring as to whether we would get a Dish signal with the mature trees is our neighborhood, Jason stopped me in my tracks, "I don't want cable or dish.  I don't care about the football package,"  he said.  "I feel better about how I spend my time now.  Look at me, look at the chords I have learned on guitar, the stuff I did around the house, I read all these books...."

It was I who said, "What about an antenna?  I don't want you to miss football completely."

So we mounted an antenna on our roof and we get all the local New York and Philly stations.  He was able to watch his beloved New York Giants.

Recently, the promotion we locked in to when we canceled cable was up and now the price we pay for internet and phone and the same as the promotion for cable, internet and phone (minus the fees for the set-top boxes and remotes).  I asked Jason if he thought we should reconsider for a year.  He looked at me like I was crazy.  "Go back to that?  No way.  I am more into playing guitar and yoga and reading.  I have no interest in TV.  I think what we have now is fine,"  he told me.  "I don't want to go back to that, get sucked in, start watching TV and not playing guitar and stuff and feel like crap for all the time I wasted watching other people do stuff.  Then we would just have to go through the whole canceling it anxiety again."  He admitted that canceling cable had caused him some anxiety last year, but he is much happier without it.

Teaching Children Healthy Boundaries

One of the biggest challenges I find as a parent is that different families have different ways of parenting.

My goal is to raise my children to get along in the world with all different kinds of people, from all different kinds of homes with all different kinds of ideas.

This can be very challenging.

Some parents feel that to give their child any guidance or suggestions on behavior would be to mold that child into a certain personality.  The parents want to give their child the opportunity to develop their own unique personality.

One mother explained to me that her child will learn what is socially acceptable by the reaction of other children.  If other children react positively, they will learn they did something good and keep doing it.  If other children get upset, they will learn that to keep friends they can't act that way.

What if other children laugh at the inappropriate behavior?  What if they think it's so outrageously inappropriate that it is funny.  Then what?  If we don't believe in instructing kids on what to do, then isn't it counterintuitive to instruct my kids not to laugh at the inappropriate behavior?   Why is one set of kids charged with acting appropriately when the other set gets away with everything?  Why is it up to me and my children to instruct someone else's child?  Not to mention, sometimes it's really hard NOT to laugh when you think something is funny.  Well, at least for me.  And that often happens at the most inopportune times.

Or what about the child who won't apologize and the parents just accept that.  The parent acknowledges that the child should apologize but that they won't, it's just not who their child is. The parent apologizes for their child.  Why does their child get away with this?  Why is this acceptable?  It's hard for me to not change my feelings toward this child and their parent when the parent says that.

Or what about the child who always gets their way and goes up to their room and wails when they don't?  Or goes and sits in their parents' car and sulks?  Or locks them self in a bathroom and screams?

Or the child who won't take turns and their parent asks if they are making good choices, but doesn't tell them to let the child crying on the side have a turn?

Or the child who says they don't want to play, but then calls out criticisms from the sidelines and gets mad when the other children call back?  And the parent defends them that "that is who they are and it's going to upset them more if your kids yell back".  Why doesn't my child have the right to defend herself?

I have a hard time with all of this.  We all love our kids, none of us wants our child to get hurt or have hurt feelings.  And for that reason, we need to guide our children on acceptable and appropriate behavior.

I have a hard time knowing how to instruct my kids in these situations where there is no right and wrong, no acceptable behavior, it's a free for all where certain children are allowed to behave any way they want.  We've tried discussing this with their parents and the parents' philosophy is "that is who they are, we can't change them" or "we look at our children as little individuals and we have to accept them for who they are" or something like that.

I believe that kids need predictability, they need to know their boundaries so they can feel safe and know what is expected of them.    It's a parent's responsibility to change their newborn baby's diapers and feed them.  That responsibility doesn't end when the child is old enough to toilet and feed themselves.  Being a parent is more than taking your child to outside classes and buying them what they need.  Being a parent means guiding your child, helping them navigate the world.

I would imagine that these children who don't need to apologize and whose parents make excuses for them to do whatever they want feel very empowered.  They may feel "above everyone" or that rules don't apply to them.  But they also may not understand why people other than their parents react to them the way that they do.  They may not know how to form friendships.  They may not have the language to express them self when they don't get their way.

I understand that these parents don't want "expectations" on their children.  I agree that some expectations are not healthy.  But some expectations just help us to understand other people and how to interact with them.   From a young age, I have taught my girls to say "please" and "thank you" or to apologize if they are wrong.  I have let them know from a young age that I expected them to share toys with their friends.  I expect them to keep their rooms clean and to help around the house.  I expect that if we have someplace to go, they will get dressed, brush their hair and teeth, etc.  I expect them to listen and compromise.  I expect them not to ridicule, tease or make fun of other people.  I expect them to eat with a fork or spoon.  I expect them to take turns.

But not all of their friends have these same expectations on them and that can be difficult to understand, difficult to get along with and navigate a friendship.

I struggle with creating healthy boundaries.  It is not something I learned as a child.  I am trying to help my girls learn to form healthy boundaries without feeling guilty just as I am learning to do this myself.  If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, you need to put up a boundary.  If children are allowed to do what they want, criticize you without you being allowed to defend yourself and the child never being expected to apologize, healthy boundaries need to be erected.

We have been discussing how to form healthy boundaries lately.

Some people may say to just completely distance yourself and cut the person out of your life.  I think if you enjoy that person's company most of the time and care for or about the person, that should be a last resort.

Last weekend Jason, the girls and I sat down and talked about this and we put a plan in place.

1. My girls will only interact or play with these children when Jason or I am present, either at our house or a place where one of us is also there.  The girls won't be allowed over the home of these children without me or Jason until we've got a good handle on the situation.  By being present, Allie and Piper can come to Jason or I if something arises that they are confused as to how to handle it and we can give them language or help them navigate the situation.
2. We discussed the kinds of things that come up with these friends.  Taking turns on the pogo stick or scooter or Wii (these kids don't have any of these things at home and are excited to play them at our house).  Always having to play what this child wants or they leave or threaten to leave or lock themselves in a car or bathroom.  They write scripts and if you deviate or don't do something exactly as they envisioned, they get very angry, sometimes physical or just run away and hide someplace.
3. Jason was excellent at coming up with suggestions for dialogue on what to say when these things arise.  We came up with words and phrases and sentences that can be used so that the girls are prepared and confident if and when these issues arise.
4. Ask their friends how they would feel if someone treated them this way.  Discuss it.  
5. Start putting time limits on the play dates.  Maybe a whole day is too long.  Maybe three hours is better.  Maybe more structured play is better.
6. If we still have issues, the girls may need to sit down with their friends (with or without adults) and discuss everyone's feelings with an open mind.  
7. Regroup with our family and discuss the conversation with an open mind.
8. Figure out if the friendship is worth it and if so, figure out how to set healthy boundaries within the friendship.  Maybe the girls ask their friends to leave at the first sign of trouble.  Maybe they all take a break and discuss.  Maybe they have parents intervene.  Maybe they take a break from each other.  Maybe they shorten the playdates even further.

Why You Should Let Your Kids Use Social Media

Our girls are on social media.  Their accounts are protected, for the most part, with the exception of Seven Cool Homeschoolers.

Recently we had an issue where one of their friends posted some photos that Jason and I felt were inappropriate for a ten year old.  When talking about this with another parent, the parent said, "Well, what do you expect when you let them use social media?"

We are raising our kids in a technology driven world.  We may not like it, we may wish we all lived on farms and that jobs didn't require a high level of critical thinking that is more innate than learned.  But, we live in a rapidly changing technology driven world and one day our children will more than likely need to utilize technology.  I would rather prepare my children for responsible use of technology now than throw them out into it when they are in their teens or twenties.

The greatest piece of advice that was given to me on this topic was by a HomeLand Security expert who said that parents should get involved with and use social media so they can teach their children how to use it, what is appropriate and how to protect themselves.  This is one reason why I blog, use Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, so I know the ins and outs and can keep an eye on my kids.

Start Young and Add To It

Since our girls were toddlers, they have been allowed to play on the computer, using Barbie Make-up game and Jump Start programs.  As they got older, they got Nintendo DS and then ipod Touch.  As they demonstrated responsibility and adherence to our rules, they were allowed more use of technology, such as Youtube and Instagram.  It is better to gradually introduce your children to technology, set firm boundaries and enforce accountability so they learn how to use technology responsibly and with integrity.

Kids will listen to parents at three, six, even ten.  If my kids are anything like me, that will all be over by sixteen, seventeen or eighteen.  So, get them while they are young, allow them small doses of computer games and gradually increase their technology as they mature and show responsibility.

• Age 2-3 -- computer games for toddlers are appropriate 
• Age 4-5 -- computer games for pre-school
• Age 6-7 -- computer games for first grade
• Age 7-8 -- the child probably has shown enough responsibility to get a Nintendo DS or other handheld device, personally I still think they are too young for an iTouch
• Age 10 -- our girls were given an iTouch for their tenth birthdays, an iTouch offers many of the same apps as an iPhone and we felt our girls were ready to handle the responsibility of a smaller, more fragile device

*A Note on iTouch

When we bought each girl an iTouch, we told them that both Jason and I have the right to pick it up and look at it and use it any time.  And we do.  We check the games on it, the photos, the interactions, the history, etc.  

Facebook is Unhealthy

I don't recommend Facebook for kids.  I think Facebook is unhealthy.  People either post inflammatory political comments or how awesome and wonderful their lives are.  Very few people post about a bad day or problem, if you are feeling down, Facebook may make you feel worse.  I don't think it's an appropriate place for children.  I question if it's healthy for adults all the time, but I maintain my account and check in a few times a week to keep up with several homeschool groups we belong to and to check on specials for several small businesses that we like to support.

Youtube

Early on in homeschooling, we discovered the myriad documentaries and video clips and explanations on youtube.  Jason has learned to change the power window in his car and install a three-way switch in our basement via Youtube.  Yes, there is a lot of garbage on there as well; but used correctly, YouTube can be a great learning tool.

At a friend's suggestion, we allowed the girls to use YouTube through my email address so I could control what they viewed and know what they viewed.  The girls were inspired to make everything from American Girl clothes and furniture to sea salt scrubs from watching YouTube.  Recently, Piper was inspired to launch a YouTube channel of homeschoolers from around the country in an effort to start a YouTube community for homeschool kids.

The Crazies

Of course, with anything, there are people who abuse YouTube and post inappropriate material, soft-core porn and violent videos.  At one time, I thought I had found a filter for YouTube, but either they did away with that or I was mistaken.  The girls youtube accounts are through my email and I check several times a day to see what they watched.

You can set comments to Approve Comments if kids are posting videos.  There are nutjobs who will post inappropriate things as comments, so it may be a good idea to tell your kids that YOU will approve comments.

Instagram

I was somewhat reluctant to allow the girls on Instagram, but many in the homeschool community were allowing it and I felt it would be a good way for my girls to get to know homeschoolers around the country.  We set the girls accounts up as Private and I approve their friends.  I check their accounts from both their iTouch and from my account at least once a day to see who 'Liked' their photos and what they posted.

Earlier this year, we had to tell our girls not to be friends with their cousin on Instagram, because their cousin is 18 and was posting things that were fine for an 18 year-old, but not so good for an 11 year old to see.

To Post or Not to Post?

Jason and I will comment on photos that we think are inappropriate on facebook.  The girls have seen us show each other photos and seen us roll our eyes.  We have talked to them about the image you put out there.  If you put certain kinds of photos out there, people are going to assume something about your character and who you are.  We have been clear with them about what kind of image we want for them, both on social media and off.  

Sometimes when we are driving in the car, we will see a girl dressed in a certain way and we will tell the girls we hope they never dress that way and why.  Some may say that is judgmental, maybe it is; that girl can dress however she wants, I just know that I don't want my daughter dressing like that.  Same goes with photos on social media.

Expectations

It's not fair to shelter kids from things and then expect them to make the right decision when faced with it.  Kids need to understand what they are up against and have the skills and language and values instilled in them so they can navigate the world of technology with integrity.

Start young children with computer games when they are toddlers.  As pre-schoolers allow them to use the educational game by themselves.  In early elementary school, they should have shown enough responsibility to have a Nintendo DS. In later elementary school, they graduate to an iTouch. In middle school, maybe they are permitted to use social media on Private accounts with adult supervision.  So that by the time high school comes--and they want some independence--they are ready to use social media with less adult supervision.

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Cord Blood Banking & Car Seat Giveaway!

When I was pregnant with Allie, I would pray for a healthy baby every day as I drove to work.  One day it hit me that I would be praying for this baby for the rest of her life.  I would pray for her health and her happiness and her safety.  Not long after that, I was at my midwife's office when I noticed a box of brochures that promised to help safeguard my child against future illness by banking her precious cord blood.  I read over the brochures and researched several companies and Jason and I decided it was worth the annual expense to know that our precious baby would have these unique cells available to her later in life if she needed them.  After I delivered Allie, the doctor took a few minutes to harvest the cells before they stitched me up.  I remember clearly the doctor and the nurses and the midwife all telling me what a good idea it was.  I have to say, although I am really frugal in many ways, I never mind making that payment because it gives me peace of mind

Through cord blood banking, you can collect and preserve potentially lifesaving stem cells, and doing

so could one day save the life of your child or a blood relative. You can bank even more stem cells by

collecting them from 2 usable sources of stem cell-rich blood: the umbilical cord and the placenta. This

service is called Placental and Cord Blood Banking, and it's available only from LifebankUSA. Whether

you choose Placental and Cord Blood Banking or Cord Blood Banking alone, there are many important

reasons to choose LifebankUSA.

There’s only one opportunity to save your baby’s stem cells for the future...

As an expectant parent, your baby’s health means everything. Right now, he or she is protected in the

womb and will soon enter the world. There is a lot to think about and prepare for, but an invaluable step

you can take when your child is born is to preserve his/her stem-cell rich cord and placenta blood The

ability of stem cells to save lives via cord blood banking has proven successful for replacing abnormal or

diseased cells, and treating life-threatening blood disorders such as leukemia, lymphoma, and myeloma.

In fact, since 1988 stem cell transplants have been used to treat some 80 diseases.

ABOUT LIFEBANKUSA

As the only company that offers cord blood, placenta blood and tissue banking -- and the first to

release placenta-derived stem cells for a successful transplant -- New Jersey-based LifebankUSA is a

technological leader that is pioneering key medical innovations in the field. Owned by the Celgene

Corporation, a world-class biopharmaceutical company, LifebankUSA also operates a robust donation

program and collects cells from anywhere in the US for use primarily in advancing medical research.

When you bank with LifebankUSA, we include tissue banking (tissue from the placenta) for free.*

Placental tissue contains mesenchymal cells (MSCs) and MSC-like cells. While stem cells found in cord

blood and placenta blood have been used to successfully treat patients, there are currently no approved

uses for stem cells derived from the umbilical cord or placenta tissue. Possible therapeutic applications

are in early research stages and LifebankUSA's parent company is actively involved in their development.

LifebankUSA will store the placenta tissue for you as part of our complete banking package using our

cryogenic tanks for long-term preservation. In the event your baby's tissue cells are ever needed for

future therapies, the tissue may then be processed and cultured using available technology at that

time.† Tissue banking is just one more layer of protection and peace of mind offered by LifebankUSA.

*Storage fees apply after the first year

†Clients will be responsible for the cost of shipping the tissue and any culturing or expansion of the cells.

LifebankUSA is giving away THREE  top rated, Britax Marathon 70-G3 Convertible Car Seats in a random drawing. The value of the car seat is $231.99 each.  To enter this contest "like" LifeBankUSA on facebook and read more about the contest on their facebook page.

Praying for a Dog

The girls and I are desperate for a dog.  I have always had a pet.  My entire life--41 years--I always had a dog or a cat or some pet in my house, to snuggle with and love and care for.  When Jason and I got married, we adopted our Sydney Bean from the animal shelter and when we bought our first house, we got her a brother, Oliver Bellows.  Since our girls were born Sydney and Oliver were part of their lives.  They have always had  a dog to cuddle and love and talk about how cute and funny they are; a dog to dress up and take pictures of and make videos of and spoil; a dog to show responsibility for and to walk and groom.

We brought our little Ollie on vacation with us last year.  He had a ball.

Allergies

When Ollie died last summer, we took a few months and then we tried getting a puppy and I was allergic.  A second puppy had the same outcome--or possibly I was just so nervous that I would be allergic that I imagined the symptoms.  Either way, I went for allergy testing and the allergist said that I have a mild allergy to dogs (a severe allergy to cats) and that I could have a dog, just don't let it lick my face because the allergen would be too close to my sinuses and cause a reaction.  Allie also has allergies.  Her allergies are actually worse than mine.  But, we have both met dogs that we did not react to...and we both lived with dogs for years with no reaction, so we can just not wrap our heads around not having a dog.

Our church friend and groomer recommended a homeopath who has had success with special oils and things made from dog allergens and deposited in drops under the tongue several times a day.  It's the same principle as allergy shots where a small amount of the allergen is introduced into the body so that the body can get used to it and not recognize it as harmful.  It makes sense to me.  Our church friend/ groomer knows of people firsthand who have overcome pet allergies this way, so we felt it was worth a try.

We loved cuddling with Oliver.

Travel

Jason adored Oliver and loves dogs and having a dog, but he is not quite sure right now if getting a dog is a good idea.  Jason likes the idea that we can "get up and go" at any moment.  We can decide at the last minute to go away for the weekend.  We have plans this summer for a weekend away and a week away and are hoping to do some camping.  We would have to arrange for someone to take care of a dog if we had one.  We have plans for a vacation in the fall and again, we would have to arrange pet care.  I completely understand this, but we are talking 3 weeks out of 52.  And the girls and I would gladly give up 2 of those 3 weeks of vacations, we are perfectly content right at home and if it means not getting a dog or not traveling, we will pick getting the dog and not traveling any day.  A dog will be here 365 days a year to love and cuddle, a trip costs a bundle and is over in days.

Plus, since I have been telling friends about Jason's reservation, many friends have volunteered to watch our dog.  Some of the young people I work with live in our neighborhood, are very responsible and I would trust them to pet and house sit.

Allie keeps saying that there is "Never a good time" to do anything.  You can always find a reason not to do something.  We are going to the lake this summer, we are going on vacation, we have so much going on over the holidays, we are going camping this spring, summer is around the corner and we are going to the lake this summer....

We were so upset to be allergic to these little handfuls.

So, if I can ask you to pray.  Pray that my husband comes around.  Pray that we find a dog that we are not allergic to.  Pray that we find a healthy dog that is a good fit for our family.  

Borrowing Books from My Daughter

I had just finished reading two rather intense books and I was looking for something light, but not fluffy, to relax with.  I was not having much luck finding something that was light enough but not completely banal, and Allie came to me with a book she had recently read that she thought I would enjoy.

This was such a great book to share with Allie.  It's about a young Amish girl on her rumspringa--when Amish teens get to experience the "English" world and choose if they want to be baptized into their Amish faith and community.  Some Amish teens stay within their community and attend parties with other teens where they play CDs on radios, wear jeans and even drink alcohol for their rumspringa.  Some teens get to work and live outside the community.  Parents make the decision of where their teen will have their rumspringa.  In this book, Eliza's parents are hesitant to allow her to leave, but she has an opportunity to work as a nanny for a family outside the community and reluctantly, her parents allow her to work in the outside world.

We don't live far from an Amish community and as a child, my mom used to like to take us to "see" the Amish, which always made me very uncomfortable.  Imagine working in your yard and having a family ogling at your fence?  I don't think I would like it.  There are things that I admire so much about the Amish way of life.  I think many of our "advancements" have just complicated and added stress to our lives...emails and texts to respond to, phone calls to answer, carpools and classes and keeping up with the Joneses.  I am sure the Amish have stress, but I believe our bodies were made to work outside, strenuously, absorbing vitamin D and I think a lot of our stress is related to not enough time outside and not enough muscle exertion.  I completely admire the Amish for resisting these things and maintaining their way of life and their strong faith.  

This book addresses so many issues from underage drinking to teen sex.  There are consequences to all of the actions.  This young Amish girl sees all of this through the lens of the faith she has been raised in.  This lead to some very powerful discussion between Allie and I.  But, the most powerful thing for me, in this book, was that Eliza's mother has told a very big lie and she comes clean to her daughter.  The most important thing to me in raising my girls is that they know that they can always come to me, we can talk about anything and that I will be honest with them.  I don't sugar coat it, I don't pretend I am someone that I am not and I don't pretend that I am perfect.  I am honest and straightforward with them and I think they know and respect that.  I think it's important that as parents we don't pretend to have all the answers or to have been perfect teens ourselves, I think it's important to acknowledge our mistakes and to be understanding of our teens' mistakes while also explaining why we feel the way we do on some issues.  The lessons in this book just drove those points home.  

I highly recommend this book for moms of young teens, read it with your daughter and discuss it.  There is much to learn about Amish life while also deepening the relationship with our daughters.

Raising Parents

Last week, I read this post by Penelope Trunk that basically stated that the whole Marissa Myer thing at Yahoo debases people for wanting to be parents.  I don't know that I agree with that.  The part of Penelope Trunk's post that really stuck with me, though, was the idea that not everyone is created the same way, not everyone wants that career, or maybe they want that career but being a parent is their priority in their thirties.  Penelope goes on to state in this post, that many girls/women only want to work part-time and should be prepared for home life.

I grew up in the 1970s and 1980s, the whole Women's Liberation/feminist movement was in full swing.    Moms went to work and fed their families convenient microwave processed crap dinners.  Elementary school kids went home to empty houses and thus, the term "latchkey kids" was coined; teens ran around the streets unsupervised.  Girls were taught that we should not want to stay home and raise babies, that we would not live up to our potential and never be respected if we wanted to be stay-at-home moms; we should work hard and excel and want to wear a hideous business suit with shoulder pads and a shirt with a Peter Pan collar and a little bow-tie and show men that women could do what they can do.  I grew up completely believing in all of that and having a list of career dreams.  Then I had a baby and the whole world twisted on its' axis when I decided that I could not, no how, no way leave this precious, beautiful, perfect, vulnerable baby in a nursery with 8 other babies where she was just a number.  I wanted to be the one to pick her up when she cried and feed her and make sure her diapers were clean; I wanted to coo at her and cuddle her and I would sacrifice anything for that--heck, I would cut off my arm for her!

I was not alone.  The result of Gen X growing up with career moms who were seldom home is that more moms either are working part-time than full-time or would rather work part-time than full-time.  We  have also created everything from Baking with Baby classes to Baby Gym classes to lessons for almost everything under the sun, not to mention all kinds of fun play places or learning places for birthday parties and day trips.  I think there is a direct correlation between a generation of parents who grew up with their parents being more absorbed in career than family and this generation's desire to do something COMPLETELY different for their own children and entertaining them every waking minute.  Personally, I don't think either is completely healthy....everything in moderation, people, everything in moderation.

Raising Mothers

It seems that some bloggers' children know exactly what they want to be when they grow up and I am always trying to get an idea from my girls of what they may want to do.  I observe their interests, we talk about different careers.  I would love to find them mentors...if only I knew what they were interested in doing.  Sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me what they will be when they grow up so I know if we should really go full-tilt with science or devote more time to art or find a mentor for something.  But my girls really seem clueless as to what career they want when they grow up.  

The one thing they do consistently say, however, is that they both want to be moms when they grow up.  They know what kind of houses they want and how they want to decorate their houses.  My girls both like to help in the kitchen and neither really minds helping to clean the house.  They rearranging furniture and organizing a room.  Allie now has gerbils and fish that she meticulously cares for as if they were her babies; after less than two weeks she has the gerbils eating out of her hand!

I cringe when I think of what I say to my girls when they tell me they want to be moms when they grow up, "Well, that is nice and you will be a great mom, but what do you want to do to earn money?"

It is so ingrained in me - a stay-at-home mom - that being a mom is not a worthy goal.  Being a mom is not good enough.  Being a mom is second fiddle to a career; because, really, you should want a career. But, you know what?  I think a lot of girls just want to be moms.  It's what they were born to do.  Sure, maybe when their kids are older they will get a job or even start a career, but it's in their DNA to want to take care of houses and babies and their husbands.  What if it is NOT in their DNA to want a career?

The MONEY Question

The real question is: will they be able to afford to stay home and raise a family?  On the one hand, I want to prepare them that they may not be able to afford to stay home.  On the other hand, I have observed several women I know who feel they have to work.  Now, really, I don't judge them, they can live however they want and I will still love them, but I often wonder if they gave up their designer clothes and weekly shopping trips, their fancy vacations and their fancy SUVs, their gym memberships and mani/pedis, eating out several nights a week and $300 haircuts, how much money would they save and would they then be able to stay home?  As a society, we have started to look at spa days and fancy vacations, heated leather seats and designer clothes as necessities rather than luxuries.  At what expense?

When women routinely stayed home and raised families, they didn't expect to wear designer clothes and Italian pumps (unless they were socialites), their weekly shopping trip was to the grocery store (or maybe they went daily), their family may have had one car, their friends gave each other home permanents and they didn't need a gym membership after running around after a toddler all day, and who would pay for a manicure when you had dishpan hands or who needed to eat out when you were home all day and could cook just as good as any restaurant?  Families stayed together, divorce was less common, there was not as much teen pregnancy, you didn't hear of school shootings or kids dying on playgrounds from being bullied...I know, some people are going to say that things were hidden behind closed doors but those things are probably still hidden in today's society... And sure, some women were unhappy, but don't fool yourself, in today's society some moms are completely stressed and unhappy working full-time, even if they have recognition and autonomy and all that good stuff...they wish they could be home smelling their babies' heads and sitting around the table talking about their kids' day.

So, how do you do this?  What do you tell your girls?

I am still not sure, to be honest.  Jason works very hard for our family and we sacrifice fancy vacations and designer clothes and heated leather seats so that I can stay home with our girls because that is important to us.  My girls have grown up not expecting expensive shoes and clothes and weekly wardrobe updates, so maybe they will be okay with making those sacrifices when they raise their own children.  I hope their husbands can earn enough that they at least have a choice to stay home.  But, at the same time, I want to encourage them to pursue their interests and think about a career to fall back on...for when their kids grow up...just to have something to brainstorm and dream about...

I think all children, boys and girls, those with big career aspirations and those who want to be stay at home parents, should be encouraged to...

• help clean the home and do projects with the family around the home
• do laundry
• prepare meals
• learn to budget money
• understand sacrifices and priorities, the difference between necessity and luxury
• be encouraged to pursue their interests
• have opportunities for interest-led, self-directed learning
• as they get older, be part of conversations regarding issues in our society and how we can change things/make things better

I think as a society we need to change how we view parenthood.  One parent has to work and in my opinion, one parent has to be willing and able to be completely committed to their career and whatever their career entails, long hours, business trips, meetings at crazy hours, etc.  In my opinion in order for one parent to be able to devote themselves to a career, the other parent needs to be able to be there for the kids all the time, to listen to the kids, to prepare meals, to drive them to lessons, to give them a hug, whatever their kid requires...the kids need to know they can count on that one parent consistently.

 My Grandpa had an expression, "Anything worth doing is worth doing well."  Why does that not apply to parenthood anymore?  Why not raise our kids to believe that being a parent and doing it well is a noble career choice?